The Guilt, But the Pleasure
by ameliaa-holmes
Summary: (Human!Cas) Castiel hated himself as an angel, and he hates himself even more as a human. Since falling, Castiel has found pleasure in self-harm. It seems that it is only Dean Winchester who can bring him out of his grief...


Castiel hated himself as an angel, and he hated himself even more as a human.

The past haunted him. He could not simply wash away all the bad things he had done or all the pain he had seen… no matter how hard he wished to forget it.

An almighty sense of guilt filled him each morning and stayed with him until he fell asleep again. It consumed him to the point that he would feel entirely hollow. Castiel came to realize that the only way to feel at peace with himself was to punish the person at fault. At fault for the falling of the angels….for Sam, and Dean's suffering.

And so, Castiel had started to cut.

He used the razor that Dean had given him to shave his facial hair, a task he never had to do as an angel. He remembered that day clearly, when the two of them stood in front of the bathroom mirror, Dean shaving his own jawline while Castiel watched him carefully and copied his movements. They'd had fun. They laughed. But when Dean left the room, Cas discovered a whole new way to employ a razor. A much more enjoyable way.

It was morning, and Castiel had only just woken up. A note from Dean had been pinned on his door, explaining that he and Sam were off on a hunt and wouldn't be back until dusk. While it did sadden Castiel to be left alone once more, he also felt a sense of relief.

He headed straight for the bathroom – a typical morning routine. Pulling out his razor, he began to cut his inner arm. He started small at first – mere paper cuts. But then the cuts got bigger and bigger. Deeper and deeper. And Castiel got angrier and angrier.

This was when he heard the sound of Dean's voice in the hallway.

"Cas?" He called out, it sounded as if he were roaming the bunker, searching for his friend. "We're home early!"

Cas froze, it was reflex. He stayed silent, razor still pressed to skin. As much as he wanted to call out, he couldn't. This was his personal punishment. He could never allow Dean to know what he did. He had to hide the damage.

Dean was getting closer. A knock came from the door. Castiel jumped.

"Cas?" Dean knocked once more on the door. "We're home now."

Castiel had to reply. It was Dean – his Dean – and he knew he was in here.

"Alright Dean." Was all he said. He stared at his wide eyed reflection in the mirror. Blood was dripping down his arm, on to his sleeves, the floor.

Dean was still outside. Cas could hear him breathing. He waited a minute before he said "Are you okay man?"

Castiel shook, the razor falling to the ground. "Ah-" He fumbled, sliding the razor back into the cupboard.

The hunter knocked harder, becoming concerned for Cas. "Do you need help?"

"Ah. Everything is alright Dean. Sorry." He turned the tap on, water rushing out hard. He splashed it on his wrist and shirt. Scrubbing as hard as he could. His self-hatred was only swelling.

Before Castiel could stop him, Dean had grabbed the door knob and swung it open. Dean was not sure what he had been expecting…but it was not this.

Jaw hanging open, Dean examined Castiel's bloody state with wide eyes "C-...Cas!" he yelled. It was more concern than anger.

Cas was shaking violently - upset and slightly embarrassed that he had been caught. He didn't turn to look at Dean, just continued to violently wash his hands. "Dean. Please -"

Dean stood at the doorway in shock for a moment before he was rushing into the man's side, grabbing his bicep. "Castiel what are you doing?!" Dean felt the prickle of tears in his eyes, he tried desperately to hold them back. " Cas why- no!" His anger boiled. This anger wasn't directed at his friend, it was at himself. "How long have you been doing this?" His voice was filled with hurt. He desperately searched Castiel's blue eyes for an answer. Any god-damn kind of answer.

Castiel stared back at Dean, tears beginning to form in his own eyes. "You weren't meant to see this Dean..." He said, his voice trembling. "I'm sorry - I just...I need to okay." He knew his excuse was pathetic…and selfish. But it was also true. He reached over for a bandage he already had prepared on the side of the sink and began to wrap it around his cut wrist.

"You _need_ this Cas? No you don't need it!" Dean growled and clenched his fists at his sides, his fingernails beginning to dig into the flesh of his palms. "You don't need it when I am right here to help! I've always been here. Always."

Dean was lost. And for the first time in a long while, he was properly scared. He didn't know how to help the fallen angel. The man before him meant so much to him and the idea that he had been hurting himself made Dean want to hurt himself too.

"Cas...please. Let me help." Dean didn't care at this point about the odd tears that were streaking his cheeks. He just needed his fallen angel to be okay.

Cas was heart-broken. He never meant to hurt Dean. In fact, that was the last thing he ever wanted. He picked up the hand towel and gently rubbed away the tears on Dean's cheeks. "I know Dean." His hands were still trembling. A large part of him longed to pick the razor back up and finish the job he had started. "You're all I have. And you've helped me so much." He paused. How could he do this? How _was _he doing this? He destroyed everybody he came close to. And now it was Dean. _Dean. _"It's just...nothing ever feels like quite enough..."

Dean lowered his gaze to the floor and tried to hide how difficult it was for him to form words. "Enough? What do you mean nothing is enough?" The eldest Winchester took in a shuddering breath trying to get in control. Cas was already upset, seeing him cry like a baby was probably not going to help.

"I don't know Dean...I can't - I just can't explain it." He hugged the towel to his chest. "It's just there's so much guilt, you know. So much." He hated himself for saying such things to Dean but when he was around him, he couldn't help but tell him. There was something about Dean that made Cas want to tell him _everything. _He wanted Dean Winchester to know every last detail about him, every one of his odd behaviors, every body movement…

"Cas I've been to hell – heck, I'm still there - but it gets better, trust me. But this isn't the way you get better Cas. You could die for god's sake!" Dean's voice cut off with a choke. "You can't just leave me here." Dean grabbed onto Castiel's blood-stained shirt, rubbing it under his fingers until the blood stained his own skin. Two. But one. A shared pain. He yanked him forward into his arms and chest. "You can't leave me Cas."

Castiel let the towel in his hands fall to the ground, taken off guard by Dean's abrupt movement. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Dean. "I wouldn't do that." He whispered into his shirt, he was swallowing back tears really badly now. "I could never do that to you Dean."

"Then don't do it. Cas, please. I can't let you. And I won't let you." Dean clutched the man in his arms and sighed, "Cas if you leave me again I might as well be dead as well. I have built my life around you and if you were suddenly gone, I think it would kill me just to loose you." Cas wanted to tell Dean that he never planned to kill himself, merely hurt. He only wanted to feel pain, in order to forget the true pain. Instead, he stayed silent, resting his cheek against the warm comfort of Dean's chest. Dean bit his lip and swallowed hard, "You mean more to me than I can ever explain Cas."

Castiel blushed against Dean's chest, looking down at his bare feet. "You were always more to me than a brother Dean. I don't think either one of us could live without the other anymore."

Dean lifted the fallen angel's injured arm and pressed a light kiss to the bandage. "I'll take better care of you Cas. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy." Dean's face flushed slightly.

A small and silent tear rolled down Castiel's cheek. Though he was still upset, embarrassed and angry that Dean had discovered him in this state, he couldn't help but feel ever so thankful for Dean's presence. A warmth filled him like no other feeling he had ever had. "I'll try my best to be happy for you Dean." Cas smiled gently. The thing that surprised Castiel was that he actually meant it.

Dean laughed quietly "I want to do something Cas." He pinched his lips and looked down at Castiel, who was still vibrating softly under his arms. "Do you trust me?" Looking into the blue eyes of the man he adored, Dean laced his fingers in Cas' hand and pulled him closer …if that was even possible.

"I trust you" Castiel smiled, allowing himself to be drawn closer into Dean. Dean leaned in slowly and pressed his lips to Castiel's for a brief moment. When he pulled away, he looked down at the floor, trying to hide the redness he could feel rising in his cheeks. Dean Winchester did _not _blush. And he must certainly was not going to blush now.

Castiel, though not entirely shocked by Dean kissing him, was caught short of breath. He smiled blissfully to himself, placing his fingers under Dean's chin and raising his head so he could look him in the eyes. He gave him a small nod, as if to say 'this is okay'.

Dean grinned brightly. "Cas, but seriously, if you ever leave me I will god-damn march my ass up to heaven and drag you back down here if I have to." He leaned back in and wrapped his arms around the fallen angel's neck. His fingers entwined in dark locks of hair. The hunter grew bolder and kissed Castiel's slightly chapped lips longer and sloppier than the first. Castiel smiled against Dean's lips. He gripped his fingers in the hunter's shirt, running his hands tentatively along his spine.

"I've wanted this for so long." Dean breathed hotly against Cas' skin. "I've never wanted someone so much before." Dean sunk his teeth into Castiel's lip and groaned softly, tugging his hair as he did so.

Castiel moaned, grasping his hands around the back of Dean's neck. It hurt his cut arm quite a lot. But he didn't dare say so. "I never knew you wanted this." He kissed him hard. "Well not like this anyway.."

Dean let one hand wander from his hair to his cheek. "How could you have not known?" His nails scraped along his jaw, rubbing at his stubble gently. "Do I not friken stare at you enough?"

Castiel leaned his cheek into Dean's palm, loving the feel of his skin on his. He chuckled. "I suppose so...it's just taking me a while to decipher all these human emotions. Angel emotions were never this complex." He kissed Deans lips, hard. "But I like it."

The hunter pulled away slightly and sighed. Though both of them tried not to, their eyes couldn't help but flicker to the blood that remained a reminder on the floor. "Cas let's get out of the bathroom. There is a nice warm bed we can make out in instead." Dean beamed. "…Even though you are still in trouble. Don't think you're getting off the hook just yet buddy." Dean easily pulled the fallen angel out of the bathroom and to his room in the bunker, closing and locking the door behind them.

Castiel laughed. "Trouble?" Secretly, he liked the sound of 'trouble'. It seemed similar to cutting - painful but a deserved and hence pleasurable punishment. He fell down on the bed.

"Oh yes. Big trouble." Dean lowered himself down over Castiel, straddling his hips and leaning down to put his elbows on either side of his head.

"Do you always go on top?" Castiel joked, raising an eyebrow. He pushed himself up and kissed Dean on the lips.

"I can bottom!" Dean huffed and cupped his cheeks with both hands. "Tell me if I'm squishing you," He mumbled between kisses.

Truthfully, Cas did feel a bit crushed by Dean but instead said, "No, it's fine." The weight of Dean on top of him felt nice...it felt human. Castiel suddenly pulled back, "Dean, wait..." Dean looked at him, twisting his head and delivering a quizzical look. "I'm sorry." Cas sighed. "About what I did to my arms…about hurting you by hurting myself. I'm just sorry okay."

Dean put a finger to Castiel's lips. "It's okay." He hushed. "I said I'm going to look after you." He pulled him back in for another wet kiss. "So I will look after you." He breathed into his skin. He ground his hips down and moaned softly against Cas' lips. "Too much clothes Cas," Dean shed his over shirt then grabbed the hem of his tee and chucked it off.

And in that moment, a miracle occurred. Castiel forgot all about his past, the guilt and the cutting and he pulled Dean closer into him. Letting go of everything outside of that moment. Everything besides Dean.

With a smile, Castiel moved down to trace his fingers across Dean's tightly formed chest and stomach. He planted soft kisses on his tattoo, marveling over the darkness of the lines and swirls against golden skin. He raised his hands over his head, waiting for Dean to pull his shirt off.

Dean got his prompt and slipped his fingers up Castiel's shirt, rubbing over his stomach once or twice before doing the same as he did his own shirt. "I haven't seen your chest since you showed up naked covered in bees..." Dean laughed and licked a long strip down his neck.

Castiel chuckled, holding Dean's head against his own neck and tangling his fingers in his hair. He let his head fall back so he was gazing up at the ceiling. "I haven't gotten this intimidate with someone since...well Meg...and the pizza man." He joked.

"Meg touched what is mine" Dean growled and bit into the soft flesh. "Mine." he growled. Cas let his hands slip back down to Dean's shoulders, feeling the bone and muscles working hard beneath the skin.

Dean began to rock against him slowly and Castiel found his own body following the rhythm of Dean's. He arched towards the roof, pushing into Dean. "I was always yours." He breathed.

Dean smiled and licked the spot he had bitten. "You were?" He trailed down to his collar bone and planted several small kisses there.

"Always." Cas moaned. His fingers dug into the flesh on Dean's back, grasping over his protruding spine. "_Always..."_ He whispered again.


End file.
